Polys: What We Are and Aren’t (or at least how I am)

I wrote the following for this month's South Bay Poly newsletter.

The draft was longer, but I trimmed it down—probably too much.

I feel I keep talking around something as I try to put my finger on exactly what I mean.

I think what I'm trying to say is that, for me, sexuality is about connecting to someone as a person.  For me, being sexual with someone is about wanting to know them better.  Generally that involves wanting to see them again and probably becoming friends with them long-term.  It's not just about having sex—even if the sex is "open and honest."

Here's what I actually wrote.

# # #

What do we mean when we say we’re different from cheaters?  Is that even the right question?

We polys say we’re different from cheaters because we’re open and honest about what we’re doing.  We place great value on this “open and honest” business.  We don’t believe in sneaking around behind people’s backs.  We don’t think it’s “fair.”  This shows we value relationships, value other people.

But for me “open and honest” isn’t enough.  I value sexuality that isn’t “cheap.”  I need to respect myself and my own relationship to sexuality.  I think of sex as something positive, not negative.  But even though sex can be enjoyable in itself, I prefer something more. I prefer something more than just a distraction or fling.  I prefer sex to have some larger value.

If I woke up with a total stranger in my bed, I think I’d feel disappointed that our intimate encounter had turned out to be so meaningless.  For me, polyamory is about more than being open and honest.  It’s about nurturing meaning and value.

Polyamory: The Beauty, The Pain, The Commitment, The Challenge

I was still rather depressed when I woke up Saturday morning.  How, I wondered, will I ever market my poly-pagan novel when my friend who wrote the gay novel says there’s no market for that?

But I get up and head for the local park for another friend’s Ceremony of Commitment.  She and her lover are committing to a life together.  Not a simple wedding, since they are each married to someone else.  But the spouses are there and fully participating in the ceremony, conducted by a man who looks the part of a Rabbi (I don’t know whether he actually is or not).  Family members are also present.  I hear friends speaking of their own poly experiences, or of their newness to the poly concept.  It is moving to hear people speak of opening their lives to include their spouses’ lovers.

Then I’m off to a Pagan Beltane ritual, which begins with a May Pole dance.  Then comes the actual ritual, with much talk of flirtation and merriment and rutting, the season of the Lady and the Goat.  And in fact the weather has turned warm and inviting.

Nevertheless, I’m still absorbing the news of the Cleveland women imprisoned for ten years, and other people’s stories of rape and abuse.  I’m still thinking about the Pantheacon workshop on Sex Positivity.  How do we promote sexual health and sanity in a world where sexuality is so often and easily turned to abuse?

And that evening I watch the film Pariah with my girlfriend.  It’s the story of an African-American woman coming to terms with her attraction to other women, and society’s reaction to it.

Well—we must find our way forward, together.

Pantheacon (12) - Sex Positive (1)

Pantheacon, Day Three -- I attend a workshop on Sex Positivity.  Over fifty people exchanged ideas on what guidelines might be useful for sex positive people.  The specific task was to produce our own “Ten Commandments” (okay, five, they finally said) of Sex Positivity.  Some ideas included:


Mindful Reciprocity between partners.

Deliberate Spontaneity (a bit of a Zen koan!).

Communicate your boundaries.

Be true to your own sexuality.

Mind your own business (in regards to others)

Meet your partners at your mutual boundaries

Express your needs.


After this exploration, we considered some ethical dilemmas that might arise relating to sexuality between people.  Many of these involved cheating or differing needs and wants.

This is the outline.  But just the outline.  Worthwhile in and of itself -- but inviting much more thought.

Pantheacon (5) - Polyamory

After dinner and an open mic not connected with Pantheacon, I headed back to the convention hotel to attend a discussion of polyamory, built around some useful poly attitudes.

Polyamory, if you are not familiar with the term, refers to love—usually romantic, sexual love—for  multiple people at once; the dating-, falling-in-love-and-staying-there kind of love.

The presenter was a woman from south Florida—a rather different environment that California!  About sixty people attended the workshop—a good showing, I thought.  Several of our own South Bay Poly members were there, as well as people from other parts of the country, including the Midwest; and people who had lived or grown up in Europe.

The presenter suggested five skills or attitudes that are useful for polyamory.  Of course, she was speaking from a modern Pagan perspective; however her suggestions would be useful for anyone.

First, she spoke of being sex-positive—thinking of sex as a good thing.  Pagans are generally sex-positive, but they are not the only “spiritual” tradition that embraces sex-positivity.  Unitarian-Universalism (my other tradition) does; and whether or not it is a majority position in their own tradition, individuals from many traditions view sex in a positive way.

Second, she spoke about good communication skills.  The cliché about poly is “Communicate, communicate, communicate!”  But communication is a must in any relationship!  She asserted that the Pagan path teaches us to be good communicators.  Upon reflection…I’m not sure that’s literally true.  Not that Pagans aren’t good communicators; I’m just not sure if it’s emphasized as much as this suggests.

Third, she discussed self-awareness—understanding your own needs and those of your partners.  And isn’t that what relationships are about?  (I suspect somehow that someone, somewhere, will argue this point).  She asserted that as Pagans we are taught to be honest with ourselves and honest about our needs.  We tend to be more self-reflective.

Fourth, she discussed the advantages of mastering small-group dynamics—these really come in handy within a poly family.  Of course, many Pagans work together in small, family-like groups (covens, etc).  This teaches us to get along in family-like environments.

Fifth and last, she mentioned tolerance—understanding that people don’t all see things the same way; so it is best to learn to accept our differences—something Pagans are generally extremely aware of.

I liked the tee-shirt she wore at the presentation, a shirt with a very “poly” slogan:  “Yes, my husband knows.”

This seemed an appropriate discussion to lead up to the final event of the evening:  A ritual dance for Pomba Gira.