A few days ago, I submitted a request to join a Facebook group with the focus of poly-mono relationships. As part of the request, I had to explain why I wanted join the group.
I explained that I facilitate this South Bay Poly group in the greater San Jose area. And I explained that one of my partners would now consider themselves monogamous, not poly--although this has not always been the case.
My partner is happy with our relationship and accepts the fact that I am poly, even though they do not consider themselves poly. This highlights several topics.
Is polyamory a choice or an identity? I have come to believe that in my case it is an identity. I may choose to be monogamous; but my personality is not monogamous.
Can your poly/mono status change? It seems to me that my partner’s status *has* changed. Is it a choice for them, or an identity? I don’t know. Could be more a result of medication lowering their libido.
But the point, I think, is that these are not “either/or” questions. Is poly a choice or an identity? I think there can be aspects of both. If you are poly by identity, you may decide to behave as if you were mono. If you are mono by identity, it’s less likely you will choose to behave in a poly way.
But some people who claim to be monogamous may, when not attached to a “significant other” decide to date around (sleep around?)--all the while claiming to be monogamous and just “waiting for the Right Person.”
I don't know all the answers - I just ask the questions!
Happy Impending Holidays!
