“Polyamory, Monogamy--And Their Intersection” (South Bay Polys #284 - November 2019)

A few days ago, I submitted a request to join a Facebook group with the focus of poly-mono relationships.  As part of the request, I had to explain why I wanted join the group.

I explained that I facilitate this South Bay Poly group in the greater San Jose area.  And I explained that one of my partners would now consider themselves monogamous, not poly--although this has not always been the case.

My partner is happy with our relationship and accepts the fact that I am poly, even though they do not consider themselves poly.  This highlights several topics.

Is polyamory a choice or an identity?  I have come to believe that in my case it is an identity.  I may choose to be monogamous; but my personality is not monogamous.

Can your poly/mono status change?  It seems to me that my partner’s status *has* changed.  Is it a choice for them, or an identity?  I don’t know.  Could be more a result of medication lowering their libido.

But the point, I think, is that these are not “either/or” questions.  Is poly a choice or an identity?  I think there can be aspects of both.  If you are poly by identity, you may decide to behave as if you were mono.  If you are mono by identity, it’s less likely you will choose to behave in a poly way.

But some people who claim to be monogamous may, when not attached to a “significant other” decide to date around (sleep around?)--all the while claiming to be monogamous and just “waiting for the Right Person.”

I don't know all the answers - I just ask the questions!

Happy Impending Holidays!

“A Tale of Two… (or Three? Or…Four??)” (South Bay Polys #283 - October 2019)

Big, stressful times for me, this past month.  The mundane matters would be….root canals, dental work…

The more significant (for me) stuff:  I’m about to publish my novel Soul Flight, built around a polyamory plot (among other sexual, spiritual, and world themes).  I plan to release it on Halloween.  I’ve been rushing around reviewing proofs, designing flyers, and planning mailings.

As a part of that, I’ve also updated my blog (“Grail and Wand” -- http://grailandwand.blogspot.com) with about two-and-a-half years’ worth of these (“right here!”) poly newsletters.  So if you want to see any of our South Bay Poly stories back to around October 2016, they’re all there -- Enjoy!  If you’re new to South Bay Polys, I hope this encourages some questions and discussions for our meetings!

So I’ve been kind of “busy”…..<chuckle!>

Soul Flight should be available on Amazon beginning some time on Halloween.  Not only that…

I’d like to recommend another poly novel by a friend (well, on Facebook anyway!) – Love, Sex, and Understanding the Universe, by Harrie Farrow, published in 2014.  The plot deals with polyamory and bisexuality.  A very enjoyable book, I thought!

I’ll probably be a bit calmer by next month (“Ha!?”) – We’ll see!

Hope to see a bunch of you this Saturday.  I hope you are ready for the holidays.  And I hope your poly-explorations are going well!  Love is…..good!

“Polyamory vs. Free Love” (South Bay Polys #282 - September 2019)

I thought I would reprise this topic once more.  Of course, some people don’t quibble about definitions.  I remember many years ago, in the early days of South Bay Poly, posting something on an online Bulletin Board and getting the response:  “Why don’t you just admit that what you really want is lots of sex?”

I replied, of course, that I wasn’t after “lots of sex.”  I was interested in loving, caring, supportive relationships. I doubt the other person believed me.

How could he, not knowing me, tell if I wanted love or sex?  Wanting sex was always the cliché, especially for men.  If I have lots of friends and become involved with some of them, how can someone outside the relationship tell whether it is about sex or about love (or both)?  Is the sex casual?  Is the sex shallow?  Is the “relationship” just a one-night stand? Well, someone might be able to tell that!

The thing is, polyamory supposes that we have the freedom to become involved with more than one person.  In that sense our love is free!  But it isn’t shallow; it isn’t a one-night stand.

Some would disagree.  Some would say that polyamory can include casual encounters.  Well—a polyamorous person can have shallow encounters, in addition to more meaningful, long-term ones.  Just like a person who believes in monogamy can have lots of wild, brief flings before, after, or in between their marriages.

My polyamory quest, however, is for love—though sex can be a part of it.

A Church That Welcomes the Polyamorous(?!)” (South Bay Polys #281 - July 2019)

Last month I mentioned that I was going off to Spokane for a convention, wondering what was going to happen there around the issue of polyamory.

Now I am back from General Assembly, the annual meeting of the Unitarian Universalist Association, this church to which I have belonged for something like forty-two years—thirty of which I have been trying to be open and honest about my polyamory, because it seemed so clear to me that they should accept my polyamory as a valid path.  I was going to say “life-choice;” but some years ago I came to doubt it was really a “choice.”  I went through a period where I tried to be happy with monogamy.  But I wasn’t happy.

So I accepted that my happiness required me to accept my own polyamorous nature.  And I decided to be honest about my polyamory with my church.  Unitarians, if you don’t know, are notoriously liberal.  It really quite surprised me that I wasn’t accepted years…decades ago.  But everyone has their insecurities.

But this year, at General Assembly, a gender non-binary UU minister, standing before the entire assembly of perhaps three thousand people, welcomed a large variety of ethnicities and genders and ages and viewpoints to the Assembly—and they included the Kink community—and the polyamorous.

I had already joined the “Parade of Banners” on opening day with the banner of the UUs for Polyamory Awareness, and sat at our UUPA booth in the exhibit hall.  But anxiously, waiting for someone to object.  They didn’t.  Quite a few people mentioned how happy they were to see us there.

So – Onwards!  At least one major organization (and a religious one!) seems supportive!