My Parents’ Environment

Driving home from folk dancing this evening, past eleven p.m., I think of my parents and their environment they grew up in:  Very different from the environment I live in now.

I’m driving down Highway 101 in California, from Palo Alto to Sunnyvale; no more than ten miles.  The highway is full of cars driving seventy miles an hour; the lights are blinding.

This calls up memories of Virginia in the 1950s and 1960s, when my parents and I (and my sisters) lived on an air base in Hampton.  How does this call up these memories?  The environments are opposites!  In 1960 the Interstate highway system had not yet been constructed through Hampton.  We would not have been driving on such a highway, full of cars, so late in the evening.

As I recall, almost everything in Hampton would have been closed by 11 p.m.  Certainly the airbase would have been completely quiet except for the Air Force personnel on duty, somewhere out around the air field.  Although, remembering later years when I lived on an air base in Japan, I can imagine that the Officers Club, just a block from where we lived on the air base in Virginia, might have still been open.  But for me, who lived there as a boy from age six to age eleven, Langley Air Force Base was quiet indeed in the evenings.

Whereas I have just spent an hour watching and listening to traditional dance music from Eastern Europe, which of course would have seemed odd to American military personnel in 1960, smarting still from the launching of Sputnik and the Russian downing, over the Soviet Union, of the American U2 spy plane piloted by Frances Gary Powers.

The Challenge of Polyrelating

(From the October South Bay Polys newsletter).

I hadn’t begun a new relationship in eight years, and last month I plunged into not one but two – what on earth was I thinking?  On the other hand, why not begin two relationships at the same time?

But all the old issues come up immediately!  Beginning any relationship can be difficult; that’s one of the things that intrigues me so much.  What does it mean to be in a relationship with someone – a “relationship”—what does that even mean?!  Someone to go to social events with?  Someone to share meals with?  Someone to have sex with?  Someone to spend lazy afternoons or evenings with?  What do they want, what do you want?  Are you comfortable together, at ease with the same things—not at ease?  Are you open to love, to falling in love?

And then the whole polyamory “business.”  Are they comfortable with polyamory, comfortable with being “someone significant” but maybe not “The Only One?”  Do they even know what polyamory is, what it entails?

And if they don’t know, but are open to learning—what do you tell them; how do you explain polyamory to them?  Even if you come to care very much for one another, there’s all that background and upbringing—all the past experiences that make each of you what you are, that have burrowed deep into your personalities and become maybe almost instinctive—how do you account for that and commit to growth together in spite of possible fears and perceived difficulties?  Or do you choose another path—platonic, or parting altogether, or perpetual sadness, or monogamy?

Ah well—but new relationships do seem worth it after all!  Love and Caring seem worth it!  At least I think it does!

“Arrrrrrgh!!” (or: "Pirates and Polys?")

(This is from the September South Bay Poly Newsletter -- written about 2 weeks ago):

So our September meeting falls on “Talk Like a Pirate Day!”  This has never happened before.  All I can think to say is “Arrrrgh” (or is that “Rrrrr?”).

So it’s a funny day, but illustrates how the way we talk influences the way we think and the way other people think of us.  I’ve been skirmishing a bit on Facebook with people who object to “Political Correctness;” also with people who use the word “privilege” differently than I grew up using it.  Anyway, maybe we can chat a little about how we talk to others about our polyness.

I’ve just started seeing some new people, which has led to discussions of my approach to polyamory, and theirs.  We’ve shared stories of our past and current relationships.

How to communicate?  Honestly--and as opening as possible!

Kidding aside, it’s important that you come to terms with your own personality and understand your own needs.  Then it’s important to be able to explain them to others.  And then it’s important to be able to listen to those people you are interested in becoming involved with, to understand their personalities and their needs.

Otherwise, one of you may feel like you are talking to a pirate--perhaps one with a difficult-to-decipher (Scottish?  Australian?  Jamaican?) accent.  And you want to be talking and understanding one another on a fairly deep level, before you go getting involved!

“Sail on and prosper!”

Polyamory: Entering the Public Discussion

This is from the latest South Bay Poly Newsletter (#236).

Context:  I co-founded the South Bay Poly discussion group around 1993.  It meets monthly in the San Jose, CA area.  For the last year, I have also been serving on the board of the Unitarian Universalists for Polyamory Awareness (UUPA).  UUPA had a booth at the June national meeting ("General Assembly") of the Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA)

...

Still not much news to report from the Unitarian polys….though I can say that there appears to be deepening discussions on common ground between the Unitarian Universalists for Polyamory Awareness (UUPA) and the Unitarian Universalists for BDSM ("Leather & Grace").

In any case, the U.S. Supreme Court decision legalizing same-sex marriage has somewhat opened up public discussion on multi-partner marriage.  Usually (of course?) this is presented as a cautionary tale of the “slippery slope” we are now on, supposedly because of that Supreme Court decision.  Most people, though, I think still regard these as unrelated issues.  I tend to agree with that.  But if we’re going to discuss multi-partner marriage…

I’ve seen at least one commentary that suggested multi-partner marriage should not be dismissed out of hand.  The details of a multi-partner marriage contract could be complicated to be sure.  But then the same commentary raised the question -- perhaps more to the point for most poly families -- of whether government should be involved in sanctioning relationships at all.  Can marriage be replaced by a complex of legal agreements, specified by the people involved?

Raising these issues certainly moves the discussion of multi-partner relationships forward -- which is a good thing.

And if more people become aware of committed consensual nurturing polyrelationships, if these become more accepted as possible options…that is some sort of progress.

I’m cautiously optimistic.

The Last Half-Year

Returning again to this blog.  I left it on the Winter Solstice, I’m returning now that we have passed the Summer Solstice.

I left because -- so many things went wrong between those two soltstices!

In early December, my car was stolen.  Long story--maybe I’ll tell it later.

In late January, just as we were about to buy a new car, my dental crown fell out.  By the time that was fixed, in late February, another tooth or two had gone with it, and I had my first dental bridge.  “Oh Joy!”  The temporary had threatened to come loose just as I was settling in for coffee and a sandwich at Pantheacon.

End of February, congratulating myself on surviving the car and tooth “incidents” -- both our computer and our printer stop working; so we were off to research replacements.  If I tell you we ended up moving from Windows 7 to Windows 8.2…some of you will appreciate that we had a bit of a “learning curve.”

Middle-to-end of March:  The house plumbing starts to back up again.  We get it unclogged; within ten days it’s a mess again.  Unclogged finally--but the toilet seemed defective.  Off we go to research toilets.  And so it went through April and May.  And finally we had a sleek (?!) new toilet!

I’m sure other matters came up--or maybe it just felt that way as we recovered from these disasters.

You get the picture.

And now--June--the Supreme Court decision on gay marriage.  And, unfortunately, the killings in Charleston.  I’ve been online all week discussing the propriety or impropriety of the Confederate flag.

And figured: Solstice-to-Solstice was enough of a gap here on Grail and Wand.

So I’m back.