“The Mystery of Our Attractions” (South Bay Poly News #248)

Keeping it simple this month.  I’ll just say, the more I think about how I am attracted to people, and the more I think about my past relationships, both successful and not successful, the more I am puzzled and intrigued by just what is going on in these matters—my inner feelings on the one hand, and then my interactions with other people.  How do successful relationship come about?  Why are other relationships painful and even disastrous?  Now wouldn’t that make a nice theme for a novel (hm…..)?

And of course, the more relationships you have at any given time, the more challenging life is; but also that much more rewarding!

The monogamous might say that’s precisely the point; Multiple relationships are too fragile—or too explosive.

But I’m drawn to many people; what can I say?  I care about many people.  And having multiple relationships works for me and is rewarding for me.  Maybe it is not for everyone, but it seems to be for me.

Now, about that novel…

The Challenge of Polyrelating

(From the October South Bay Polys newsletter).

I hadn’t begun a new relationship in eight years, and last month I plunged into not one but two – what on earth was I thinking?  On the other hand, why not begin two relationships at the same time?

But all the old issues come up immediately!  Beginning any relationship can be difficult; that’s one of the things that intrigues me so much.  What does it mean to be in a relationship with someone – a “relationship”—what does that even mean?!  Someone to go to social events with?  Someone to share meals with?  Someone to have sex with?  Someone to spend lazy afternoons or evenings with?  What do they want, what do you want?  Are you comfortable together, at ease with the same things—not at ease?  Are you open to love, to falling in love?

And then the whole polyamory “business.”  Are they comfortable with polyamory, comfortable with being “someone significant” but maybe not “The Only One?”  Do they even know what polyamory is, what it entails?

And if they don’t know, but are open to learning—what do you tell them; how do you explain polyamory to them?  Even if you come to care very much for one another, there’s all that background and upbringing—all the past experiences that make each of you what you are, that have burrowed deep into your personalities and become maybe almost instinctive—how do you account for that and commit to growth together in spite of possible fears and perceived difficulties?  Or do you choose another path—platonic, or parting altogether, or perpetual sadness, or monogamy?

Ah well—but new relationships do seem worth it after all!  Love and Caring seem worth it!  At least I think it does!

“Arrrrrrgh!!” (or: "Pirates and Polys?")

(This is from the September South Bay Poly Newsletter -- written about 2 weeks ago):

So our September meeting falls on “Talk Like a Pirate Day!”  This has never happened before.  All I can think to say is “Arrrrgh” (or is that “Rrrrr?”).

So it’s a funny day, but illustrates how the way we talk influences the way we think and the way other people think of us.  I’ve been skirmishing a bit on Facebook with people who object to “Political Correctness;” also with people who use the word “privilege” differently than I grew up using it.  Anyway, maybe we can chat a little about how we talk to others about our polyness.

I’ve just started seeing some new people, which has led to discussions of my approach to polyamory, and theirs.  We’ve shared stories of our past and current relationships.

How to communicate?  Honestly--and as opening as possible!

Kidding aside, it’s important that you come to terms with your own personality and understand your own needs.  Then it’s important to be able to explain them to others.  And then it’s important to be able to listen to those people you are interested in becoming involved with, to understand their personalities and their needs.

Otherwise, one of you may feel like you are talking to a pirate--perhaps one with a difficult-to-decipher (Scottish?  Australian?  Jamaican?) accent.  And you want to be talking and understanding one another on a fairly deep level, before you go getting involved!

“Sail on and prosper!”

Polyamory: Entering the Public Discussion

This is from the latest South Bay Poly Newsletter (#236).

Context:  I co-founded the South Bay Poly discussion group around 1993.  It meets monthly in the San Jose, CA area.  For the last year, I have also been serving on the board of the Unitarian Universalists for Polyamory Awareness (UUPA).  UUPA had a booth at the June national meeting ("General Assembly") of the Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA)

...

Still not much news to report from the Unitarian polys….though I can say that there appears to be deepening discussions on common ground between the Unitarian Universalists for Polyamory Awareness (UUPA) and the Unitarian Universalists for BDSM ("Leather & Grace").

In any case, the U.S. Supreme Court decision legalizing same-sex marriage has somewhat opened up public discussion on multi-partner marriage.  Usually (of course?) this is presented as a cautionary tale of the “slippery slope” we are now on, supposedly because of that Supreme Court decision.  Most people, though, I think still regard these as unrelated issues.  I tend to agree with that.  But if we’re going to discuss multi-partner marriage…

I’ve seen at least one commentary that suggested multi-partner marriage should not be dismissed out of hand.  The details of a multi-partner marriage contract could be complicated to be sure.  But then the same commentary raised the question -- perhaps more to the point for most poly families -- of whether government should be involved in sanctioning relationships at all.  Can marriage be replaced by a complex of legal agreements, specified by the people involved?

Raising these issues certainly moves the discussion of multi-partner relationships forward -- which is a good thing.

And if more people become aware of committed consensual nurturing polyrelationships, if these become more accepted as possible options…that is some sort of progress.

I’m cautiously optimistic.

“Another Kind of Polyamory—or Not”

(from the October South Bay Poly Newsletter)

I’ve seen multiple discussions in progress lately on the subject of polys who are involved with people who “aren’t really poly,” or people who are “kinda sorta poly,” or people who “might or might not be poly,” and so on.

I told someone a month or so back:  “You know what polys are calling a poly/non-poly relationship now?  A mixed marriage.”

Well what do you call such a thing?

I’ve always suspected that there might be two kinds of polys (although I’ve also often said that “there are poly ways to be poly.”  That is, many ways to be poly).

But anyway.  We usually say that polys want or are drawn to multiple relationships.  But there are people who aren't drawn to multiple relationships—but they can accept their (single) partner having multiple relationships.  What do we call these people?  Shall we call them “Co-Polys?”  Or maybe “Passive Polys?”

I don’t know.  But I know that these people exist.  And I’d hesitate to call them “monogamous.”

“How Did *You* Become Poly, Anyway?”

(From the South Bay Poly September newsletter)

I’ve just written up about 600 words for a friend of mine to post on her blog, about “how I became poly.”  When it’s out, I’ll provide the link.  Of course, in my case, I tend to think that I’m poly by nature somehow—I don’t recall making a decision to “become” poly.  Though in this blog piece, I hedge my bets a bit.  In reality, though, if I chose anything, it was to explicitly acknowledge something I knew I already was.

I grew up as a Christian who believed in marriage for life.  My parents had one marriage:  To each other, for over forty years.  My sisters both married once—for life.

At the same time, though, I wondered why, when my college girlfriend moved away during my sophomore year, she thought I was sending her a “Dear John” letter simply because I told her I was seeing another woman since her departure.  And later I wondered why, if my fiancée truly loved me, she would break our engagement simply because I had once seen someone else.  What did she mean by “love,” anyway?  To be fair, she probably wondered what I meant by it.

Maybe I’ll tell this all to the Unitarian polys, who seem disturbed by the possibility that polyness may not be something that some people “choose.”

How did you become poly, anyway?

Polyamory? Poly-Intimacy?

(From the October South Bay Poly newsletter)

Continuing from last month’s thought.  Looking back on my life, I see that I’m a lot more comfortable with physical affection—and sex—now, compared with how I used to be.  When I was young I felt threatened and intimidated, being rather shy and not terribly confident about myself, my body, and my personality.  I hope everyone eventually grows into feeling as comfortable as I do now—though I think some people don’t, for whatever reason. 

Maybe I just have a better idea now of what I like and what I don’t.  It isn’t so much that I disapprove of casual sex, or sex with strangers; it just isn’t something I enjoy very much.  It probably goes back to my original discomfort when I was younger—feeling uncomfortable with people I didn’t know very well, that I couldn’t relax with yet or trust.  I know there are people who don’t have this issue.

Also, I suspect that it isn’t so much the sex that I’m after, as it is the trust, safety, and intimacy.  I love to cuddle and become sexual with someone; I just need to feel safe with them first.  The question of multiple lovers is a separate issue.

And I think I need some expectation of a long-term interaction, not something that will be over immediately.  That may be a trust issue too.  Still thinking.