“Another Kind of Polyamory—or Not”

(from the October South Bay Poly Newsletter)

I’ve seen multiple discussions in progress lately on the subject of polys who are involved with people who “aren’t really poly,” or people who are “kinda sorta poly,” or people who “might or might not be poly,” and so on.

I told someone a month or so back:  “You know what polys are calling a poly/non-poly relationship now?  A mixed marriage.”

Well what do you call such a thing?

I’ve always suspected that there might be two kinds of polys (although I’ve also often said that “there are poly ways to be poly.”  That is, many ways to be poly).

But anyway.  We usually say that polys want or are drawn to multiple relationships.  But there are people who aren't drawn to multiple relationships—but they can accept their (single) partner having multiple relationships.  What do we call these people?  Shall we call them “Co-Polys?”  Or maybe “Passive Polys?”

I don’t know.  But I know that these people exist.  And I’d hesitate to call them “monogamous.”

"A Poly Ethic and Goal"

(South Bay Poly July Newsletter)

Society stereotypes polys under the category of the “non-monogamous.”  That stereotype includes a general assumption of dishonesty, uncaring, and exploitation.  It is built on the assumption of cheating, with all that involves:  Deception, guilt, jealousy, insecurity, mistrust, and fear.

Whereas I feel that polyness is a bit like nudism:  Simply the way some people prefer to be—not because they don’t care about people; not because they’re aggressively trying to make a point with people; not because they’re trying to exploit people.  Some people are simply happier maintaining several intimate love-relationships—and want to be honest about it; and actually want to avoid hurting or exploiting people. 

I would like people to understand this.  I would like polys to achieve recognition and respect from society for the fact that they’ve tried to be honest and caring.  I would like it to be recognized that we’ve tried to listen to people and care about them—to be honest and supportive of ourselves and others.  I would like polys to be accepted as caring, honest, people of goodwill who are trying to develop mutually nurturing relationships—not cheat or exploit others.