Many ("Poly!") Ways To Be Poly

(From the South Bay Poly August newsletter).
 
Some polys approach their polyness as a choice, others as an orientation.

Those who approach it as a choice may emphasize a larger interest in intentional communities, tantra, sacred sexuality, non-violent communication, sex-positivity, etc.

I feel my polyamory more as an orientation—it’s the “way I am,” and I’m more interested in understanding myself than trying to change society—although I think that people coming to terms with their polyness would change society!

So I examine myself, how I feel, how I react to others.  I ask myself questions:  What attracts me to other people?  What makes me feel comfortable or uncomfortable around others?  What limits my involvement with others?

I’ve suggested to friends that polys can be grouped by several tendencies:  “Active” polys have multiple love-interests; “Passive” polys don’t, but can accept their partner having them.  “Expansive” polys reach outwards to many people.  They can form many attachments, often of a light sort; while “consolidating” polys pull inwards with a small group of people.  Maybe it’s a matter of extroversion and introversion.

Many (“poly!”) ways to be poly!

This Thing Called Love

Once upon a time, I told someone I loved them.

"What do you mean by that?" they asked.

I thought a minute.  "I mean I like you very very much."

I don't think that satisfied them.  Later I came to realize that some people think "love" is an entirely different creature that "like."  Which reminds me of an old friend who once said:  "I don't like my wife; I love my wife."  Which puzzled me because I thought of "loving" as a more intense form of "liking."

Now I've thought more about it.  It seems that, at some point after I've realized I like someone a lot, the question occurs to me, do I love them?

First, I have to like them—a lot.  Second, I have to care about them.  Third, maybe I have to care for them so much, that I'm willing to give up some of what I want for the sake of what they want.  So that loving someone includes an element of putting them first.

Not in a co-dependent way.  I don't mean that you should cause yourself hurt, over and over, to give someone else what they want.  Although, now and then, you may have to give up something you want, in order to give your love-object something they want.

(My first fiancée once said "Love is Sacrifice."  That somehow rubs me the wrong way.  If you do nothing but sacrifice, if you're never getting what you want, I'm not sure that is "love" either...).

Some of us can love deeply, romantically, several or even many people at once; and people of several genders.  This often leads to difficulty and misunderstandings; for of course this is not the social standard of "love" which society usually teaches us.

Of course there are many kinds of love apart from romantic love.  We may love our relatives—parents, siblings, children—our friends, our fellow human beings.  Yet society seems particularly nervous about romantic or sexual love; because society is particularly unsettled, it seems, by sexuality and sexual feelings.  So to feel romantic or sexual love for several people, of several genders, is a recipe for misunderstanding and rejection.

Yet some of us by our natures seem to do it.  People are gay or straight or something other.  People are also romantically drawn to one person, or to several people, or none.  I don't know why, but it happens.

Love can sometimes mean, I care about you even if I'm attracted to you and you can't reciprocate.  Or if you're attracted to me and I can't reciprocate.  Romantic or sexual feelings may or may not be mutual.  In fact, "love" may mean committing to finding the way to provide something good for someone you care about, even if you know you will never receive back what you yourself would like to receive.

So a gay man may love a straight man; or a polyamorous person may love a monogamous person.  "With love, all things are possible," it is said.  The wisdom is to see how to love, truly love—to care for someone and act towards what they need, even though you may get nothing in return.