Polys: What We Are and Aren’t (or at least how I am)

I wrote the following for this month's South Bay Poly newsletter.

The draft was longer, but I trimmed it down—probably too much.

I feel I keep talking around something as I try to put my finger on exactly what I mean.

I think what I'm trying to say is that, for me, sexuality is about connecting to someone as a person.  For me, being sexual with someone is about wanting to know them better.  Generally that involves wanting to see them again and probably becoming friends with them long-term.  It's not just about having sex—even if the sex is "open and honest."

Here's what I actually wrote.

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What do we mean when we say we’re different from cheaters?  Is that even the right question?

We polys say we’re different from cheaters because we’re open and honest about what we’re doing.  We place great value on this “open and honest” business.  We don’t believe in sneaking around behind people’s backs.  We don’t think it’s “fair.”  This shows we value relationships, value other people.

But for me “open and honest” isn’t enough.  I value sexuality that isn’t “cheap.”  I need to respect myself and my own relationship to sexuality.  I think of sex as something positive, not negative.  But even though sex can be enjoyable in itself, I prefer something more. I prefer something more than just a distraction or fling.  I prefer sex to have some larger value.

If I woke up with a total stranger in my bed, I think I’d feel disappointed that our intimate encounter had turned out to be so meaningless.  For me, polyamory is about more than being open and honest.  It’s about nurturing meaning and value.