Conflicted?

(From this month's South Bay Poly newsletter).

I recently spent a week or two distraught, feeling like a child.  I suppose some guy had to grow up conflicted about sex; it might as well have been me.

   

Sex is complicated.  A lot of us have conflicts about it on some level or another.  Who should we have sex with?  Should we have sex at all?  We bluff our way through life.

But heck, I’m a grownup; I feel like I’m supposed to know what I’m doing...

It isn’t so much the sex; it's the people that cause pain.  Sex with yourself is relatively simple.

Call it “conflict,” call it “hang-ups.”  One way or another, a lot of us have problems with those three little letters s-e-x.

Some people will tell you that if you’re ever uncomfortable about something sexual, you're "hung up," you’re not “sex-positive.”  I disagree.

Sometimes I feel so isolated!  Everyone else seems so comfortable with sex, so relaxed.  They just enjoy it!  They even seem glib or flippant!  But some of us think and fret; we can’t be glib and flippant.  Maybe we should be.

 In my case, sexuality is tied to the person—I want to know them better as people.  That's what attracts me....

Sex for me isn't just fun; it’s a deep pleasure I share with another person.  At its best it’s transcendent (some would say “holy.”)  If it's simply mundane...it's lost something.  If it's only mundane…I miss the transcendence.

For me, becoming someone's lover isn't just a matter of titillating each other's bodies—though I'm coming to appreciate my need for touch more and more!   For me, becoming someone’s lover means opening my whole self to them (as much as I can open!) and inviting them to open themselves to me.  It's not just physical; it’s mental, emotional, psychic…spiritual…divine.

But why not have sex on a whim, for kicks, with a stranger?  A hot dog on the Boardwalk—with onions…and relish—can be fun, now and then.  But I'm used to Chinese banquets.

Self-reflection can lead to insight.  I realize that I’m open to people but also afraid of them. I don’t feel comfortable making love with a stranger.  I’m not at ease with people I've just met.  It’s true I can start to feel close to someone quickly; but the whole process takes time.  It takes time for me to become comfortable with a new acquaintance.  It takes time for me to trust them to the point that I can open up to them emotionally or physically.

For me, sex takes time.