“A Church That Accepts Polyamory?” (South Bay Polys #280 - June 2019)

In nine days, I leave for Spokane, Washington, and the 2019 General Assembly of the Unitarian Universalist Association.  I will be representing the First Unitarian Church of San Jose, California—the church where I came out as polyamorous, sometime around 1990.

So no—I’m not talking about some offshoot of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (ie. the “Mormons”), that practices male-centric polygamy;   I’m talking about the Unitarian Universalists who, several years ago, voted to not discriminate against anyone based on family structure.

The UUPA, Unitarians Universalists for Polyamory Awareness (of which I am the Board Secretary), rejoiced; in the end, who knows what this resolution actually meant, either literally or in practice.  The resolution sits quietly neglected, does the UUA even remember its passage?  They have said very little, if anything (as far as I know) about it since its passage.

Well, I’m off to Spokane, to (among other things) sit at the UUPA table in the Exhibit Hall..  We’ll have information about polyamory and about polys within the UUA.  Whether this event will be interesting or boring, I can’t yet say.

But—I will say this:  I came out to my church almost thirty years ago because I didn’t want to hide who I was, and I didn’t want to hide the fact that more than one person was important to me (and them).  Some people noticed the giddiness around our group; I wanted to confirm the love was real.  I still do.

We’ll see how Spokane goes.

“Working Through Our Fear” (South Bay Polys #279 - May 2019)

Some months ago, I was gently criticized when I wondered out loud whether we sincerely believe in sex positivity.  I suppose it isn’t required.  Many people who call sexuality a blessing still treat it very ambiguously.  Whether due to trauma or general discomfort, many people feel anxious about sexuality.  Which is okay if you have no interest in sexual relations.  But most of us are interested in relationships that include physical affection and sexuality.

I’ve always maintained, you can’t create a poly relationship if you can’t create a relationship to begin with; and creating a relationship means being able to communicate with another person about sensitive personal issues such as how you feel about physical closeness, sexuality, trust, exclusiveness or openness, and so on.

“Different people are different.” A friend of mine chided me for this (trite?) saying.  But it’s true.  So when you begin to build a relationship with one or more people, you can’t assume they feel the way you do about closeness, intimacy, sexuality, openness, and so on.

You have to dare to find out how they actually feel.  You have to dare to tell them how you feel.  You have to start with that.  Then you can build a strong relationship—whether with one person or with several.  You must confront your unease, your fear, and share your tastes, your wants, your needs, your fears.

It is easy to balk.  But there is so much to gain!

“Fragility” (South Bay Polys #278 - April 2019)

We’ll be meeting this month during both Passover and Easter weekend.  That matters to some of you but not to others; but it’s something to keep in mind:  What matters to one person may not matter to another.

My past few months of self-questioning have led to at least one realization:  That people can be strikingly different.  A gentle touch on the shoulder can bring solace to one person but totally intimidate another.  When you first meet someone you have no way of knowing which is the case.  Tread gently!  Here in the poly world, this can be particularly true.  Polys can feel quite uncomfortable in our monogamy-centric culture.  And we can make the monogamous uncomfortable.  Among our own, some may long for polyfidelity, some may gravitate more towards open marriage, even free love or random encounters.

As we feel (?!) our way towards finding the people who can nurture us and be nurtured, keep in mind how easy it is to be hurt, how easy it is to hurt and misunderstand.  Move forward towards loving intimacy, but remember to respect consent and the feelings of others.

With all this in mind, dare to reach out; dare to listen; dare to love.  Dare to bond.

Happy Coming of Spring!