“Polyamory vs. Free Love” (South Bay Polys #282 - September 2019)

I thought I would reprise this topic once more.  Of course, some people don’t quibble about definitions.  I remember many years ago, in the early days of South Bay Poly, posting something on an online Bulletin Board and getting the response:  “Why don’t you just admit that what you really want is lots of sex?”

I replied, of course, that I wasn’t after “lots of sex.”  I was interested in loving, caring, supportive relationships. I doubt the other person believed me.

How could he, not knowing me, tell if I wanted love or sex?  Wanting sex was always the cliché, especially for men.  If I have lots of friends and become involved with some of them, how can someone outside the relationship tell whether it is about sex or about love (or both)?  Is the sex casual?  Is the sex shallow?  Is the “relationship” just a one-night stand? Well, someone might be able to tell that!

The thing is, polyamory supposes that we have the freedom to become involved with more than one person.  In that sense our love is free!  But it isn’t shallow; it isn’t a one-night stand.

Some would disagree.  Some would say that polyamory can include casual encounters.  Well—a polyamorous person can have shallow encounters, in addition to more meaningful, long-term ones.  Just like a person who believes in monogamy can have lots of wild, brief flings before, after, or in between their marriages.

My polyamory quest, however, is for love—though sex can be a part of it.

A Church That Welcomes the Polyamorous(?!)” (South Bay Polys #281 - July 2019)

Last month I mentioned that I was going off to Spokane for a convention, wondering what was going to happen there around the issue of polyamory.

Now I am back from General Assembly, the annual meeting of the Unitarian Universalist Association, this church to which I have belonged for something like forty-two years—thirty of which I have been trying to be open and honest about my polyamory, because it seemed so clear to me that they should accept my polyamory as a valid path.  I was going to say “life-choice;” but some years ago I came to doubt it was really a “choice.”  I went through a period where I tried to be happy with monogamy.  But I wasn’t happy.

So I accepted that my happiness required me to accept my own polyamorous nature.  And I decided to be honest about my polyamory with my church.  Unitarians, if you don’t know, are notoriously liberal.  It really quite surprised me that I wasn’t accepted years…decades ago.  But everyone has their insecurities.

But this year, at General Assembly, a gender non-binary UU minister, standing before the entire assembly of perhaps three thousand people, welcomed a large variety of ethnicities and genders and ages and viewpoints to the Assembly—and they included the Kink community—and the polyamorous.

I had already joined the “Parade of Banners” on opening day with the banner of the UUs for Polyamory Awareness, and sat at our UUPA booth in the exhibit hall.  But anxiously, waiting for someone to object.  They didn’t.  Quite a few people mentioned how happy they were to see us there.

So – Onwards!  At least one major organization (and a religious one!) seems supportive!

“A Church That Accepts Polyamory?” (South Bay Polys #280 - June 2019)

In nine days, I leave for Spokane, Washington, and the 2019 General Assembly of the Unitarian Universalist Association.  I will be representing the First Unitarian Church of San Jose, California—the church where I came out as polyamorous, sometime around 1990.

So no—I’m not talking about some offshoot of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (ie. the “Mormons”), that practices male-centric polygamy;   I’m talking about the Unitarian Universalists who, several years ago, voted to not discriminate against anyone based on family structure.

The UUPA, Unitarians Universalists for Polyamory Awareness (of which I am the Board Secretary), rejoiced; in the end, who knows what this resolution actually meant, either literally or in practice.  The resolution sits quietly neglected, does the UUA even remember its passage?  They have said very little, if anything (as far as I know) about it since its passage.

Well, I’m off to Spokane, to (among other things) sit at the UUPA table in the Exhibit Hall..  We’ll have information about polyamory and about polys within the UUA.  Whether this event will be interesting or boring, I can’t yet say.

But—I will say this:  I came out to my church almost thirty years ago because I didn’t want to hide who I was, and I didn’t want to hide the fact that more than one person was important to me (and them).  Some people noticed the giddiness around our group; I wanted to confirm the love was real.  I still do.

We’ll see how Spokane goes.